I Heart Sparkly Vampires: A Vaempires Guest Post

Today, in honor of the release of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, I want to share a guest post I penned back in September. At the time, it was for a friend's blog ... but that blog has since changed direction, so I can't leave the poor thing orphaned.


I Heart Sparkly Vampires


I love vampires.

I love sparkly vampires.

Yeah, I love sparkly vampires.

Sparkly vampires are great. Oh, I love most vampires. Tall vampires. Short vampires. Boy vampires. Girl vampires. Cartoon vampires and movie vampires and television vampires—

And book vampires?

Book vampires, too. I mean, of course I love book vampires. What kind of crazy question is that? Book vampires are the kewlest kind of vampires. But I love all kinds of vampires.

Even old vampires?

Even old vampires. Yeah, some of ‘em are kinda crusty and some vampires—young ones, too—are plain ol’ mean. Some vampires are even scary.

Really scary.

But sparkly vampires are never scary. That’s why I love them the most. I mean I loooove sparkly vampires.

I really, really, really love sparkly vampires.

I love the way they sparkle in the sun. I love the way they look so warm even when you know that inside they’re so cold. And I love the way they—

Oh … wait.

That wasn’t me.

Those weren’t my thoughts at all. (And I have to admit to feeling more than a little relieved about that.)

This isn’t a disclaimer and it isn’t about saving face. I just realized that, instead of typing my own words, I was transcribing a discussion that was occurring behind me.

You see, my two nieces, ages nine and eleven, just “discovered” Twilight. They’ve slept over for the past few nights and decided to fill the small hours by watching the misadventures of the Sullen … er, Cullen clan.

Their Twilight-induced mania has grown with each installment—to the point where they won’t shut up about it.

I’m not sure which is worse: the never-ending awe or the endless questions (of course, since I’ve written about vampires, that makes me a Twilight expert).


And now this.

Baring my soul—literally pouring my heart out—about sparkly vampires … and the sentiments aren’t even mine.


How did it happen? Is there such a thing as sentiment plagiarism? Is it some form of group psychosis? How do I make it stop?

I feel like such a jacka$$.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with sparkly vampires. I’m not even implying that sparkly vampires don’t exist or that vampires shouldn’t sparkle. Of course they do! And of course they should!

Not my vampires, of course, but others.

Since we’re on the subject … I can’t help but wonder if Eddie’s sparkle has been forever dulled. You can "make up" for the pursuit of profit (or even for the kids) ... but the damage is done. 

Anyway … in closing, let me just put it this way:

“I [insert verb] sparkly vampires.”

I can live with that.

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